Children's whims, how to manage them from 0 to 16 years. The secret is empathy

Children's whims, how to manage them from 0 to 16 years. The secret is empathy
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Dealing with a child's tantrums and screams is one of the hardest things about parenting. Often we lose patience or panic and anxiety that our child has something wrong.




In recent years, pediatrician and psychologist Claudia M. Gold has worked with many families and has developed an innovative method to help parents manage problematic situations. Gold in his book "The secret thoughts of children" (Sperling & Kupfer) it does not dictate rules, rather it suggests an attitude that mum and dad must adopt in order to be close to a child.




One of our basic needs is to be understood, especially as children. Furthermore, children, even as infants, are sponges: they absorb the words and attitudes of their parents. If, during a child's crisis situation, they become overwhelmed by anger, disappointment and nervousness, they will transmit insecurity to the child and will inevitably cause even more "problematic" behavior.


Gold explains with numerous examples how the parent should strive to understand the child. His motto is "keeping the child in mind", that is to identify and feel empathy from when he is a newborn until adolescence.

The child, feeling understood and understood, thus learns to recognize his own emotions and slowly, as he grows up, he is able to manage them.

Faced with a whim, therefore, the parent must never lose his temper, he must keep in mind that crying and tantrums are part of the normal developmental phase of the child; but then he must contain the little one: if the anger is legitimate, the capricious behavior is instead wrong.

Gold warns, however, that in order to follow her method, parents must be calm and serene, otherwise they will have a lot of trouble getting into the child's mind. Especially an insecure and unhelped mom may have a hard time managing a newborn. It is therefore important to find helpful or supportive people who contain and reassure the parent.
A mother who feels understood and reassured manages to have the necessary clarity to focus her attention on her child.

Here are some examples of how "keep the child in mind " in different situations.


1) For a newborn, crying is a way of reacting to the stimuli of the new environment. Be empathetic and contain the baby


Often the first few months of a baby's life turn out to be a disaster. The little ones cry all the time and the mothers feel helpless, quarrels arise with the partner, the sense of guilt increases ... Often the crying appears in the evening and is generally attributed to colic or physical problems, but often it is not the real reason. Most of the time, according to the American pediatrician, the newborn cries due to an excess of visual, tactile, auditory stimuli that surround him and to which he does not know how to give meaning.



He therefore needs parents to help him manage and contain these feelings. The mother must understand, keep in mind and contain the child's discomfort. First of all you must reassure yourself: the exasperated crying is not due to a physical problem, the child has nothing wrong with her, he is not angry with her. He is just very tired and needs to be reassured. So he can calmly pick him up, talk to him, show affection and not impatience or nervousness. The serene voice of the mother and her hug will serve to contain the strong and uncontrolled emotions of the newborn.

Read also: The cry of the newborn

2) Between 5 and 9 months it's time to teach him to sleep alone

"A healthy sleep / wake rhythm of parents and children is critical to emotional development," says Gold. Conversely, sleep deprivation can negatively impact a parent's feelings of empathy towards their child. The period in which to teach to sleep alone is between 5 and 9 months. If he gets used to falling asleep in the presence of an adult, then it will be more difficult to teach him to be alone.



"A baby kept in his mother's mind," says Gold, "develops a secure attachment that makes it easier for him to manage separation and learn to sleep on his own." Parents need to be calm and understand that the little one is ready to sleep alone, and that is for his own good. At bedtime, the little one will feel that the parents are confident and resolute.

And this positive attitude will give serenity to the little one who will easily fall asleep alone. Gold recommends leaving him a transitional object associated with sleep that will allow him to comfort himself and go back to sleep on his own if he wakes up in the night. Parents are often insecure and are afraid of leaving the baby alone because they hear him cry and fear that he may suffer.

"When babies learn to walk they fall often, sometimes they get hurt. Yet it is an inevitable phase. The same goes for learning to fall asleep on their own. Babies are not capable of this from birth. They need to exercise and practice can cause some problems. temporary discomfort. Always consider that the lack of sleep of parents and children is more harmful "concludes the expert.

Read also: 10 tips for sleeping

3) Whims towards the year and a half


With the first steps and the first words, the child begins to be aware that his self is different from that of his parents, and tries to manifest it on every occasion. But at the same time he still feels small and helpless. It is a delicate phase and it is very important for the little one to feel understood.


At this age, tantrums are a little one's way of trying to control their life. For example, a child may scream because he doesn't have his favorite cup. Parents in front of such a scene should not respond by getting angry or yelling in turn, Gold explains, but they must understand that this behavior is part of the normal developmental development of a child who is trying to assert her identity. So they have to step into the child's shoes, understand his anger and then contain it.


For example, he can be told that his anger is understandable, we too regret that his cup is not there, but that it is wrong to scream and that for once he can use another cup to drink. What you shouldn't do is run to get his favorite cup. The parent's job is to teach how to discipline negative emotions, not to avoid them.

4) Preschool: it's time to teach him to speak and not scream


In preschool age a child has developed language and therefore it is time to teach him to translate negative emotions into words. When he was a baby, the parent showed that he understood him through facial expressions and the sound of his voice. Now, however, he can resort to words.

Faced with a whim, the mother with a calm but resolute tone can say: "I understand that you are angry because you want a donut, but soon it is time for lunch and therefore you cannot have it.". If the child goes on screaming and screaming, the mother stays close to him, keeps him in mind, so he doesn't get overwhelmed by nervousness, and explains to him that it is normal to feel frustrated when you want something, but screaming and crying won't do it to him. get.


Only in this way will the little one learn to control himself and to verbalize his impulses, rather than scream. Also read 12 strategies for child mental development

5) What to do if you don't want to go to kindergarten


In front of a child who cries because he does not want to go to kindergarten, the parent must not be overwhelmed by guilt and other negative feelings. But to keep the baby in mind, to understand his agitation and at the same time to realize that it is important for the good of the baby to go to the nursery, that it is normal at first to cry, but that this separation will not cause any harm to the baby.

At this point, calmly explain that his pain is understandable, but that the separation lasts a few hours and that he will find many friends at school. Show yourself calm and trust the teachers. When a child feels understood and mentally contained, he will be confident and ready for separation.

Read also: How to overcome a difficult placement in kindergarten

6) The school age: it's time to learn to understand others


Socialization problems can occur upon entry to primary school. A mother who sees her son or daughter sad about the constant quarrels with her classmates should not be panicked and agitated.
But you must keep in mind that conflicts between girls are normal at this age.

Then the mother has to empathize and listen to the son / daughter, recognize the discomfort, but reduce it. It is very important for the mother to be calm and to keep away her personal memories, perhaps negative ones, of her school days. He should give his support to the son / daughter but also explain the point of view of others to her.

In this way you are taught to empathize with others and to understand their different point of view. Very useful skills for dealing with academic and social challenges within the school.

"In fact," Gold explains, "a child who has not learned to regulate their emotions and relate to others may have learning or behavior problems. A child who is assaulted by anxiety loses clarity. Learning requires skill. to regulate emotions. Furthermore, a child who is overwhelmed by feelings of anger will find it difficult to forge friendships and may become aggressive. "

7) The age of adolescence: crises are normal and help to grow


"Each stage of development presents its difficulties, but containing an adolescent's fury and passions requires a strength and calm that far exceeds those needed at the beginning of the evolutionary process." As in all other phases, also in this one, the parent must put himself in the child's mind. Understanding that it is a very difficult phase. At this age the boys are divided: on the one hand there is the desire for independence, but on the other the sadness of losing intimacy with their mother.

"Paradoxically" says the expert "the more a teenager is committed to rejecting you aggressively, the more he needs your presence". These reflections should help the parent empathize with the child and seek reconciliation with each breakup. However, it is important to set limits if the child's behavior and language become too offensive. Specify that certain attitudes are not acceptable and could have consequences.


According to the expert learning to manage and overcome crises helps the adolescent gain a better understanding of his or her feelings. The process of rupture and repair with the parent helps to consolidate the sense of one's identity that is forming. Read also: Teenage children, 5 tips for parents

Updated on 12.02.2022

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  • moods
  • first year
  • to cry
  • claudia m gold
  • understand children
  • face the whims
  • sleep alone
  • 1-2 children years
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