Education for children, the NOs that help them grow

Education for children, the NOs that help them grow

In the face of tears, requests, whims, parents often find themselves displaced, and many times, thinking they are doing well, they give the little ones what they want. But never saying 'no' can have negative consequences for the growth of children.



"Saying 'no', setting limits, means transmitting to the child a model that will help him to cope independently, make him feel safe in the family and help him develop his own resources" says child psychotherapist Asha Philips in her book "The no that help to grow" (Feltrinelli).

Limits can be frustrating and angering a child, but they are also gates, protecting them and making them feel safe.



“A child who dominates an adult is in a very disturbing position. If at the age of two or three you feel more powerful than those who take care of you, how can they protect you if the need arises? "

Here are some situations in which it is important to be able to say 'no' according to the expert.

1 Can't sleep on your lap all the time

Many mothers always keep their babies in their arms or in the baby carrier because as soon as they put them in the cradle they cry. Surely for a newborn the cradle is a less welcoming and comfortable place than the mother's arms, but if she picks herself up at the slightest scream, the idea is strengthened in him that only the mother is okay and that the cradle is a terrible place.



Instead, what you have to do is place the baby in his crib, talk to him in a quiet and loving way and make him understand that his cot is a comfortable and safe place to sleep. In this way we say 'no' to the child's desire to remain in the mother's arms and affirm that this is his place.. "The mother listens to the protests of the little one, she understands them, but she is convinced that there are no dangers, that that is his good, that he will rest there better than in his arms. "In this way the mother creates in him the idea that things will go perfectly, thus strengthening his sense of self.

Parents can facilitate this process with some routine gestures: a lullaby, a little cuddling, a soft toy ... All elements that contribute to reassuring the little one.

"Sleeping in his cradle is the beginning of an emotional growth, a first step towards the ability to tap into oneself and develop one's resources, without waiting for the outside world to provide".

The child has to receive a lot of love and understanding, but then he has to find his own way. An immediate response can deprive the child of the opportunity to learn to be alone.

2 He is not always hungry

Often when the baby cries, the mother immediately thinks he is hungry and breastfeeds him. But this way she gets the message that food is a source of comfort. The too much importance attached to food often stems from the mother's insecurity that she thinks she has nothing else to offer and that breastfeeding is the only solution.



In this way children are taught to ask for food as soon as they feel an emptiness inside. These habits can lead to eating problems over time.

Read also: My child uses my breast as a pacifier

3 Don't worry if she cries a little

After food, another common reaction to the baby's cry is to offer an activity to make him feel better. In this way the message that gets to the child is: "I can't bear to hear you cry, let's do something right away to make you stop".

Instead, the little one needs a confident and calm person who will convey the message: "You don't have to worry, it's okay, you're just tired ", in this way he is given the time to understand what is the origin of the malaise and find a way to overcome it calmly.

The mother must show that she tolerates the baby's discomfort and crying for a while, so in the little one the idea is formed that he is experiencing an acceptable and bearable feeling and that eventually it will pass. This helps the child build a confident image of himself.

Furthermore, if every time a child feels discomfort he is offered an activity to distract him, he ends up not learning to manage himself and to get out of the problem on his own.

When, on the other hand, children manage to achieve a result on their own, their self-esteem is consolidated. If they never make an effort, they may never feel inwardly motivated.

Read also: Understanding the baby's crying

4 Weaning, it does not separate from you but opens up to the world

Some mothers face the moment of weaning with fear, and babies perceive this feeling, ending up refusing food. Instead, it is necessary that a mother transmits to the little one the enthusiasm to introduce him to the pleasures of life, with different flavors and smells.

We can think of weaning not "from" something, but "to" something new and good.

In this way the child grows up and becomes an autonomous being. And with weaning, the mother also acquires greater freedom, because the child needs her less and can regain part of his body and his mental space.

5 When faced with a whim, don't get angry

Not saying 'no' to a child because you are afraid of his excesses of anger means not educating him to control aggression and negative emotions.

The parent who always says yes, thinking of saving his child suffering, actually deprives him of the opportunity to develop tools to cope with adversity.

First of all, the parent must learn to manage the whims of the child without being overwhelmed by anger. The adult must help the child come to his senses, to make him feel less torn apart by anger. So that the little one is reassured.

For example, when faced with a whim, a parent can say very firmly and decisively:

"I know you are angry and would like to do something else, but now it's lunch time and you better eat quietly at the table. It doesn't matter if you're so angry, I'm not going to give in and I'll make sure you have that. that's right for you "

Read also: Children's whims, how to manage them from 0 to 16 years. The secret is empathy

In this way the child understands that the parent is acting for his own good. Knowing that someone is willing to go through unpleasant times for our sake gives us security.

6 Don't panic when you part with him

One of the moments in which it is essential to say no to a child is that of separation, whether it is to go to kindergarten or to be with the babysitter. If a little one cries and refuses to be left, mom doesn't need to panic.

But show the child that he is left in safe hands. In this way, the mother will reinforce in the baby the idea that he will be fine even without her. If, on the other hand, a mother lingers and eventually doesn't leave, she admits that only she can take care of him and that the world is not a safe place.

Of course, the first separations must be prepared intelligently, through a gradual process.

Read also: Kindergarten starts: it's time for parting

7 Don't let him sleep every night in the bed

Many children struggle to sleep alone and show up in the bed every night.

But it's not good for a child to be allowed to spend every night with their parents. In this way it is prevented from becoming autonomous. A child who is afraid and is regularly caught in the Latvian does not develop strategies to get by on his own, and consequently is always vulnerable.

The parent must find ways to address and solve this problem. Talk to the child about it and look for strategies together. You can find many solutions: bring a special toy into the bed, leave a light on, suggest that he put his head under the covers when he wakes up ... Read also: Latvian yes or Latvian no? The opinions of experts and parents

10 PHOTOS

The 10 golden rules for raising deficient, debauched and asocial children

go to the gallery

Always please your child, defend him even if he is rotten wrong and never reproach him ... The issue is very serious, that is, the education of our children, but once in a while ...

8 Don't indulge the 'picky' child

In many families, feeding time turns into a real battle.

But often a child's attitude towards food depends on the behavior of the mother. In fact, depending on how the parents react, the child gets an idea of ​​the world around him.

A mother who allows her child to be picky proves that she thinks like him that there are very few good things to eat. A mother who cooks the same dish every day that her son asks of her, is a mother who lets herself be bullied, proves insecure and transmits insecurity to her son. And food risks turning into something unpleasant.

The problem could be solved with a compromise: for example, that the little one tastes new things. Or you can exclude some foods from the menu that you just don't like, but include others to try ...

But the most important thing is that the mother is confident and convinced that she is offering good things; this will be the image that he will present to his son, who most of the time will appreciate meals.

Read also: 10 tips if your baby doesn't want to eat

9 Don't let him get what he wants right away

When a child doesn't get what he wants right away, he gets the feeling that waiting is bad for him. But the little one must learn that waiting does not hurt every now and then, that he will survive the ordeal and the feelings aroused in him by waiting.

If the experience of waiting is repeated several times and has a tolerable duration, the child will get used to and gain confidence in his own abilities.

The child who cannot wait is at the mercy of his emotions, which are very intense and will make him feel miserable. Giving him a limit can help him stem these feelings.

10 Don't let him be rude

One of the tasks a preschooler faces is being around others.

And it is essential that children learn to behave well in company, for the simple fact that if they don't, no one will want to be with them.

A mother who allows her child to be rude and disrespectful accepts a violent and rude side of her child that will not be healthy in the long run. Good manners and conventions are not a superficial fact, but they teach sociality and to create relationships with others, which are the basis for his future life.

Read also: Teaching good manners to the little ones

Video: How to learn to say no to children

In this video Dr. explains what are the no that help to grow and how to be able to impose bans on children

Updated on 17.07.2022

TAG:
  • children education
  • give limits to children
  • the no that help to grow
  • the whims of children
  • children who do not want to go to sleep
  • asha philips
  • breastfeeding
  • to cry
  • 1-2 children years
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