Education: the 7 fundamental skills to become a parent with self-control

Education: the 7 fundamental skills to become a parent with self-control
Source: alamy

Raising children is one of the most difficult tasks of parenting. And it is easy in the face of a whim or a disobedience to lose control or, on the contrary, to give in to the demands of a child. But to educate the children well Parents need to renounce both punitive and permissive attitudes, both harmful and ineffective. So what are the right tools to raise our children?



Help comes from the American psychologist, expert in early childhood development and education, Becky A. Bailey. Bailey in her book "Easy to Love, Hard to Educate" (Feltrinelli) explains how parents must be a loving guide for their children and transform whims and mistakes into moments of growth and learning.



And to do this, it is necessary to resort to the seven fundamental disciplinary competences.

"To discipline your children in any situation, all you need are these seven disciplinary skills," explains the expert.

Let's see them point by point:

1. Give clear and understandable rules (competence of assertiveness)

This is the most important skill a parent needs to develop. In practice it means setting clear limits for children.



Many parents swing from passive to aggressive. That is, parents often go from asking their children to do something by resorting to equivocal questions, such as "try to be good", "can you put your shoes on, please?", To then ending in an aggressive attitude if the child does not answered these requests using phrases such as: "here you are the usual messy", "you always drive me crazy".

Up to resorting to exaggerated threats: "I won't let you watch TV anymore" or even physical punishment.

But according to Bailey, that's not how a child gets used to obeying his parents. In fact, the adult must first of all have self-control and concentrate well on what the child has to do and communicate it to him calmly and with explicit affirmations..

To be avoided absolutely: orders in the form of rhetorical questions, the use of "you are always ...", "you are the usual ..." and the use of threats.

"If you are confident and controlled, speak firmly and use gestures to convey information, your child will be more likely to obey you. Give orders that contain effective information. And don't be afraid to express your feelings and communicate them to your children. Remember that the indirect expressions of our emotions, eg: "look what you make me do!", Constitute an attack on the children; while direct expressions, eg. "I feel angry, I feel annoyed ..." they communicate with them.

Here are some examples of assertive sentences: "Give me the scissors, they are too sharp, you could hurt yourself."; "I get angry when you interrupt me" and not "you are rude to interrupt"; "when you don't listen to me, I feel irritated" and not "you don't care what I say, you should be ashamed."


Read also: How to get children to obey without screaming (and why it's better)


To be even more effective when you give a rule, approach your child, wait for him to look at you and tell him "Here" ... and then explain well what he must do.

And when you feel frustrated express your feelings directly: "When you ..., I feel irritated, annoyed, worried ..."

2. Make him choose between two options (competence of choices)

Getting your child used to choosing teaches him to be responsible and instills the value of commitment. This expertise is based on the fact that when a child feels he has the possibility to choose, he will more willingly do what you ask of him. Obviously you have to propose two positive choices that will help him do what you think is best for him.

For example, if he doesn't want to do his homework, you don't have to tell him "if you don't finish your homework, then you don't watch TV". This is an attempt to control his willpower with a punitive intent.

Instead: "Do you prefer to do your homework in your room or in the kitchen? Where are you best?" In this case, you have set up the situation to help your child make a positive choice.

"Of course, parents have to offer appropriate choices and not burdensome decisions.

What time do we go to bed, what we eat for dinner, when we watch television, are decisions that only parents make !.

Offer children simple, age-appropriate choices.

For example, when getting dressed, if the little one does not want to do it alone, you can tell him: "choose: you can wear the blue shirt, or the red one". When it comes to tidying up the room: "choose: you can collect toys or clothes. What do you prefer?". Before going to bed: "Choose: do you pee first or brush your teeth?".

False choices should be avoided, like "Go to bed please?" , with this sentence the parent does not really ask the child whether or not he wants to go to bed. And never offer choices on adult activities: "Do you want to be with grandma or babysitter on the way to work?", Or on the daily routine. "do you want to eat now or later?".

Always offer positive choices that are both acceptable. If the child does not answer, calmly repeat your question and when he finally answers, encourage him with a comment "You have decided on the pants!". Commenting provides awareness of his choice and will develop greater self-control.

3. Describe their strengths and avoid general praise (competence of encouragement)

An encouraging atmosphere not only helps you grow confident, but offers neurological benefits: the little ones develop a positive adaptation that they will carry throughout their life.

Positive encouragement is based on observing children and never judging them.

So you have to observe and describe what your child is doing avoiding value judgments (you are good, you are beautiful ...). You can say: "How strong you are on the swing, you almost touch the sky" and not: "How good you are in swinging".

The key is to describe to your child what you see and to leave them free to make a personal assessment of their efforts and goals.

Remember that encouragement means accepting your child as he or she is. Acceptance observes and describes. Accepting is the basis of unconditional love, which makes no claims.

He encourages himself by saying: "You did it. You came down the slide with your feet in front and you came into my arms"; she judges herself and does not encourage herself with phrases like: "What a beautiful slip. Bravo".

So you start the sentence with: "I noticed that", "you did it", and not: "Bravo";

then describe exactly what you see, like a video camera. Finally you can add a label (not a judgment on the person) "Nice work!", "You were helpful" ...

Avoid general praise "you are really good", which mean nothing and if too many can oppress the child and even harm him.

Notice your child's strengths, his efforts and his progress and bring them to his attention describing them without making judgments.

eg: "At the football match I noticed that you were paying attention to the game while dribbling, good game". "You kept the door open for your grandmother. You were helpful", "You cleared the dishes from the table, you collaborated with your mother!".

Also read: Praise your child's efforts, so you improve their learning

And remember that when he obeys you, you must point it out to him with specific praise: "You did it, you dressed yourself!" This teaches him to respect you.

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Let him play as much as possible, praise his commitment, create happy memories and when he is sad help him to accept the negative emotion. And don't forget to cultivate ...

4. Look for the best in your child's actions even when he is wrong (positive intent competence)

You must first of all consider that it is in the nature of children to oppose the desires of adults, only in this way can they form their own identity and understand limits and rules. At this point it is crucial how parents respond to this negative behavior of theirs. If, when your little one fights or does something wrong, you attribute negative intent to him, you risk making your child even more oppositional by transmitting feelings such as: guilt for his actions, insinuating him that he is intentionally making your life more difficult. , highlighting character flaws that he will internalize in his self-concept.

On the other hand, when you attribute positive intent, you will get an incredible number of good results and you will be an example of unconditional love. By blaming or blaming your child, you teach him that if he is wrong, he is bad.

Example: Your angry child takes the plate of food away from him. Describe the action with emphasis on positive intent: "You wanted to let me know you ate enough, so you pushed the plate away." Then say the rule: "You can't push the plate away like that"; finally teach: "When you have finished eating you can say that you are full and ask permission to be able to get up. Try saying it." When your child repeats your teaching, then encourage him with descriptive praise and embrace him.

Remember that when you attribute positive intent to your child, you feel closer to each other. By behaving in this way, you open the way to positive thinking and success. Let them know that you are there to teach and not to judge, not to humiliate and punish. Only in this way will you build an atmosphere of safety in which the child will gladly learn constructive ways to achieve his goals.

And don't forget to attribute positive intent to everyone and not only to the children, starting with yourself, you attribute positive intentions to the motorist who cuts your way, perhaps he had an emergency at home, to the rude salesman, he probably had a bad day, it happens to everyone ...

5 Help him overcome a tantrum (empathy competence)

When you empathize with your child, he realizes that his feelings are important to you. your empathic response to his emotions helps him feel approved and gain self-confidence.

If you perceive your child's behavior as disrespectful, your ability to offer empathy will collapse. If, on the other hand, you perceive tantrums as a sign that he is having difficulty managing a disappointment, you will be able to empathize. You must never equate disobedience with disrespect.

So how do you handle a whim? First of all, stay in control. Then, instead of trying to stop the scenes, focus on helping the child get through them. To do this mirror his anger, only in this way will you teach him to manage it.

Practically: keeping a calm tone you should describe your child's behavior, say what you see and what you think he is feeling, without ever judging.

For example, if your little one is on a whim, first breathe deeply and think "This moment is the way it is. Now I have to solve the problem calmly", then describe what you see: "Susanna, you are waving your arms and your legs ... Your whole body is telling me that you are angry ", then:" You are very disappointed because you wanted to do that thing and you couldn't do it ... and you can't stand it. " At this point your daughter is likely to burst into tears. Embrace her and console her.

Read also: Children's whims, how to manage them from 0 to 16 years. The secret is empathy

But if you don't feel ready to stay calm and face the whim, the best thing is to walk away, you might say to your child, "I'm too agitated right now to help you. I'm going over there to calm down."

6 Explain to him what happens if he chooses to disobey (Consequence competence)

When a child is taught how to behave in a given situation and him chooses to be undisciplined, then a consequence must be imposed. In the face of a voluntarily wrong behavior of the child, one must have neither a permissive attitude (it does not allow to learn from the error), nor a punitive attitude (it only risks making the child feel guilty).
The consequences, on the other hand, inculcate in the children the value of responsibility, the ability to respond adequately to situations.
So the first thing is to assertively tell the child what to do, offer him choices, propose consequences (which are not threats), and, if he fails, empathically support him to face the consequences (avoiding making him feel guilty, but also avoiding helping him too much).


For example, if you want your child to play outside for a limited time, here's how you can say: "You can play outside until five o'clock, after which you have two options: enter or continue playing. If you choose to stay outside, you will no longer be able to go out for two days".
If the child does not obey, let him in and apply the consequences but empathically: "What a pity! I know how much you like to play outdoors. It will be boring to stay at home for two days. You can choose whether to play in your room or in the living room" . Choices combined with empathy are of great help. Finally, decide together some strategies to help him behave himself next time: "To remind you that you have to return at five, next time we will set an alarm, what do you think?".

Read also: Parents and children: 10 tips to educate children with love and respect

Apply the consequences with the intent to be a loving guide for your children and if they fail, offer empathy instead of lecturing. and strive to encourage the child to find solutions to their problems.

7 Be a role model for calm and self-control (calm competence)

Remember to be a model of positivity first. "Children learn from your behaviors and to believe that they can learn anything without a concrete positive model is madness. "
So you must first find your calm. If you find yourself in a moment of crisis, breathe deeply and think "no one can make me angry without my permission", then:" this moment is as it is and must be accepted. "These reflections will help you calm down and be ready to help your children deal with emotions such as anger and pain.
So when faced with a whim in the car while on vacation, an out-of-control parent might say "Enough, you're ruining my vacation! Let's all go home! Happy?". A parent who does not want to lose self-control, on the other hand, takes a deep breath and says: "Now let's stop for a moment so I calm down and face the problem more calmly."

Read also: 10 rules for raising happy and peaceful children from 0 to 21 years

Updated on 16.08.2022

TAG:
  • children education
  • how a child is educated
  • raising educated children
  • empathy
  • moods
  • self control
  • Parents
  • 3-5 children years
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