Forcing children to apologize is useless

Forcing children to apologize is useless
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An "sorry" said not only reluctantly serve a little, but it may even turn out to be counterproductive.



In fact, children understand when who is asking for forgiveness he is not really sorry and this only makes the "excuse" even more hateful in the eyes of those who have been wronged.

To explain this psychological mechanism to us are some researchers of theUniversity of Michigan who tested the ability of children in the recognize expressions of genuine remorse.

The experiment

The young subjects, between 4 and 9 years of age, were therefore faced with three types of "excuses":



  • those not required,
  • those primed by an adult but voluntary
  • and those immediate but forced.

According to the reactions of the participants, the children did not do much distinction between voluntary apologies - prompts or not - but reacted badly to forced apologies, which were seen more as a dictated expedient from personal gain (eg avoiding punishment) than real remorse.

Furthermore, all interviewees felt better after a request for a spontaneous apology, while the one "extracted" from the adult created further discomfort.

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How to behave?



Therefore, faced with a provocation, a spite or an insult, the adult would do better to repress the instinctive "immediately apologize!" and rather make sure that the child, once calmed, empathize with the discomfort suffered by the victim of the insult.

“Make sure the little one understands why the other person is sick and make sure the baby are really ready to apologize - advises Craig Smith, lead author of the study and researcher al U-M Center for Human Growth and Development -. Only at this point excuse him».

Read also: Education: 9 phrases you should NEVER say to your child

“Forcing your children to apologize will lead to negative retaliation. Other children will no longer see the apologetic as an agreeable subject - continues Smith - The teaching element represented by apologizing is missing and the objective of inducing people to ask for forgiveness (helping the child to express remorse, soothe hurt feelings and be appreciated for the gesture) is completely lost ".

TAG:
  • force
  • feelings
  • children education
  • to apologize
  • 1-2 children years
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