All parents have happened to have badly scolded their children and then repented immediately after doing so. How important is it to tell children the right sentence at the right time? And how important is it to find the right words?
To answer these questions, there is book written by Alli Beltrame, mother and professional counselor, and Laura Mazzarelli, teacher and pedagogist. The book is titled "Instead of saying ... Try saying" and it is a small instruction manual to deal with whims, learn to be heard and set up a real educational language that can be understood by your children.
In particular, this vademecum contains useful and effective phrases to teach parents to speak to their children with "loving firmness".It is important to transmit love, presence but also firmness to children, to move around the world with safety and why not ... even a little joy.
We asked some questions to Alli Beltrame, to better understand how the parent should behave in front of a child who has a tantrum and how to interpret his needs.
How to react to a child who makes you lose patience?
"Children often make us lose patience because in reality we are already at the limit of our resources, we are in a hurry and have a thousand things to do, we are in constant energy reserve. Sometimes children's behaviors, which are often irrational, make us they blow all the programs. "
So how to react in these cases? "It is we parents who must put ourselves in a position to listen to what the child tries to tell us with her behavior. We should be able to stop, take a deep breath, pause our needs and try to understand what the child with his behavior is trying to tell us. "
Alli continues: "The whims are a need of the child who is trying to explain something that did not work, a discomfort he has. We should stop and take a moment: when the child understands that our attention is dedicated to him, stops its behavior and then we can find a solution. "
"The words we choose to communicate are fundamental, with children they are even more so. Often we use words that the child does not understand or does not know, while we assume that what we say is understandable."
"Choosing the right words is important. We often tell the child what he "must not do" and this confuses him. We should be able to communicate to the child what goal we want to achieve, what we are asking him to do, not "not" to do. This allows the child to understand what we need. "
"Many adults have no knowledge of the developmental stages of a child's growth, so their expectations are often not realistic. We ask children for a rationality they have not yet developed.
Rational explanations cannot be expected from the child and a capacity for waiting, for patience that he hasn't developed. "
The difference lies in the degree of experience: "We also behave on the basis of a previous experience of situations we have already lived, the children do not. We adults should put ourselves in their shoes and help them interpret the need they are trying to find at that moment. manifest. "
What to say to a child instead of "no more tantrums"?
"We assume that a whim is the manifestation of a discomfort or need that the child is unable to rationally explain in words. It is the adult's job to be able to find a connection with the baby and try to understand what he wants to say to us at that moment. "
"Instead of saying" no more tantrums "you can say" what do you need? "
Each child has his own character characteristics, so the more we know our children the more we can help them understand the need they want to express at that moment. "
- 3-5 children years