How to learn to listen to your teenage son

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How to learn to listen to your teenage son?

Talk to the teenage children it may seem, in some periods, an impossible undertaking. To do this, you need to clear your mind from legacies, comparisons, judgments e prejudices. A difficult but viable road, the only one capable of opening the doors to a dialogue. He tells us how to do it Furio Ravera, psychotherapist, author of the book "Teenage anime. When something is wrong with our children. How to notice and what to do", published by Salani.

In this article

  • How to understand the age of adolescence
  • Which phrases to use and which to avoid
  • Alternatives to social media and TV
  • Clash and dialogue
  • Differences of opinion between father and mother

How to understand the age of adolescence

How can we understand the present in which the child is immersed and learn to listen to his experience without prejudice?

Realize that times have really changed. "Fundamental, if you want to open a dialogue, is to avoid getting involved competition or on the plane of the comparison. Effort must be made clear your mind from one's own experience: generally today we are separated from our children by an average of about thirty years, and there are many. Our adolescence was very different, we lived different situations, we had fewer tools. To do comparisons it does not make sense. The parent has the task of informing himself about the new reality, accepting the fact that his maps no longer go well. It is as if today we wanted to travel the world using Magellan's maps.

Don't start with preconceptions."Secondly, you have to clear the field from judgments e prejudices. Of course, this is by no means simple. It should be borne in mind that in human communication the part entrusted to the ragione is small. However, starting with the right approach and a good one awareness it certainly helps. "

Read also: Adolescent behavior and non-verbal language

Which phrases to use and which to avoid

"The emozioni give a particular sense to passwords what we say or are told to us, so it's important for a parent to first understand what the emozioni who animate him and who animate his son, accepting them. Often there is the involuntary risk of evoking a unique emotion that is of little use - the anger - which it produces hostile attitudes, of attack or flight. Anger arises from one frustration: you have to try to get to its origin to understand it. The phrases to avoid are those of circumstance: "you have to obey "," in this house I do everything " and so on. Even if they contain a grain of truth, they lead nowhere. You can instead ask questions, driven by a will of comprehension, not aggression or accusation. And you can dictate clear rules, because parents must still maintain an authority ".

Read also: How to handle a conflicted teenager

Alternatives to social media and TV

"Finding alternatives is very difficult tech it is part of the reality of the boys. One of the few moments they detach from it is during sport. You can certainly propose activities to do together, but you cannot force adolescent children to get rid of it smartphone. If not at certain times. Eg during dinner. This is one rule that you can explain and teach right away and that generally comes compress e accepted from the boys more easily than you can imagine, if the meaning is motivated ".

Clash and dialogue

"Sometimes it clash is the last form of attachment to parents, in a very path long and complicated which leads children to form their own identity. Hostility can be accepted, but without enteringemotional equivalence. That is, avoiding becoming in turn hostile. If the child is angry, responding with anger doesn't help. "

Read also: Teenage children: we give them rules and not commands

Differences of opinion between father and mother

"A big problem, which generates a slot in which the boys cunningly insinuate themselves. For this reason, it is absolutely necessary to avoid making them evident. In case of a difference of opinion, parents have to find a moment for discuss it, very far from the ears of the children, to then show up to them with one unique answer. Basically an official statement ".

The interviewee

Furio Ravera, psychiatrist and psychotherapist, co-founder with Roberto Bertolli of the Crest therapeutic community, directs a department for the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders and drug addiction at the Le Betulle nursing home. He has published "A hole in the soul" (with Guido Vergani and Roberto Bertolli, Mondadori), "A river of cocaine" (Bur Rizzoli) and "The rules or maintenance of the Vespa" (Ponte alle Grazie). "Teenage anime. When something is wrong with our children. How to notice and what to do", published by Salani is his latest book.

  • teens
  • teenagers and parents
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