We often fail to say "no" to our children for fear of appearing unavailable or because we are afraid of conflict. Yet the "no" are essential to educate children and make them autonomous.
The "no" are different according to the age of development and respond to specific growth needs. In early childhood the 'no' is that of prohibition, which helps children build basic signage. Between the first and the second childhood the 'no' are those of overdrive: they are no's that stem the thirst for knowledge and the desire to explore the world. In pre-adolescence the 'no' is that of rule, a compass to orient yourself in the world and to point towards autonomy.
Read also: Children's education: the no that help them grow
What are the "no" that really serve e how to learn to say no to children? On this issue we have heard the opinion of , training manager of the CPP, counselor and trainer.
Why is it important to learn to say no to children?
There are 'nos' that help children build one basic signage as they move through space. "Using this basic sign, 'no' is the main signal." Parents must first establish rules to build character and help their children grow in the best possible way.
“If the child receives the basic principles of this signage, he can juggle, he knows where to go, how to behave, how far he can go. In order to educate children about autonomy, it is important to provide them with signs, of which 'no' is the main signal, the warning sign. "
But why is it important not to say too many no to children?
“Even when it comes to 'no', too much is not good, because it confuses children. It is not about having a 'no' just in case, but about having a 'no' whenever it is necessary to support a child's autonomy. "
“The 'no' stems and gives the measure, they ensure that the child recognizes their limitations. A child needs information on the spaces to use and not to use, on the things that should and should not be done at the moment. The 'no' must be contextual to be of use to the child.
“In the adult there is a tendency to say a lot of 'no' to avoid unpleasant situations. In reality, we cannot prevent, but we must intervene where it is necessary through a clear indication. "
Since when do children begin to understand no?
“The child begins to understand 'no' the moment he begins to use it. There is a correspondence between what the child uses and what the child can perceive. " The expert continues: "Around the age of 2 children make great use of 'no' and at that stage of their age they can also receive the 'no', and learn how to use it for their growth. At this age the child begins to have his own autonomy and our 'no' helps him to build this autonomy.
What are the nos that help to grow?
The 'no' must always be contextualized within the child's life stage.
“The 'no' in its synthetic formula indicates a ban, and this is good for children up to 4 years old. In later ages the 'no' takes a more structured form which is that of the rule that we give to our children so that they can manage the moments of growth. "
Furthermore, there are some structuring 'nos' from an evolutionary point of view. "For example, the 'no' of the Latvian is a clear, clear 'no', which allows the child to experience his oedipal phase well in order to detach himself from the figure of his mother."
"There is the 'no' of pre-adolescence that becomes the rule, for example those linked to the school experience:" There are experiences you have to do ".
Finally, there is the 'no' linked to being alone: children need to experience the widest possible sociality, and then we have the 'no' that prohibits isolation: this directs the boy towards an encounter with the 'other, towards an evolved sociality. "