✓ How to overcome a miscarriage

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Spontaneous abortion is an event that can occur in about 15% of pregnancies, especially within the first trimester. Most of the time it is not determined by controllable causes and is independent of the actions performed by the woman, who therefore has no fault of what happened. Yet it is experienced as a traumatic and difficult to accept event, which can bring with it a series of consequences, both physical and psychological.

Read also: 5 myths and 5 truths about miscarriage

What does pregnancy represent for the woman and the couple

"The way in which the abortion experience is lived depends above all on the meaning that the woman had given to pregnancy, on how she considered the child she was carrying in her womb" explains Sara Piattino, psychologist, psychotherapist and PhD in psychology and science cognitive at the University of Genoa: “He saw it as an obstacle to the realization of oneself and one's work aspirations or, on the contrary, as a great gift, perhaps long desired; or again, a way to give meaning to life and marriage. The more expectations were placed in the pregnancy, the more traumatic the event can be ”.

Read also: miscarriage, the false beliefs that hurt women and a story to overcome the pain of an abortion

But even beyond that, pregnancy represents a profound 'maturational crisis' for every woman. With gestation there is an evolution of the female identity, during which the infantile parts of the self must be questioned and one must prepare to change 'status': one no longer recognizes oneself as a woman and daughter but also as a mother and therefore we must prepare ourselves to receive the unborn child emotionally, and not only physically.

In addition, the couple, from the first weeks, is charged with des, expectations and fantasies about their 'imaginary child', especially when they see his growth in the ultrasound images; also takes on all the responsibilities that build a physical and mental bond with the child and fantasizes about what the little one will be like, how their lifestyle will change, what they will have to buy, how they will eventually have to modify the house and much more.

What are the feelings after the miscarriage

The sense of emptiness. “In this context, spontaneous abortion, bursting violently like a 'psychic earthquake' in the woman's mind, is experienced as a traumatic and shocking event, which cancels in an instant all these processes that have already begun” highlights the psychologist. "Suddenly the woman no longer knows to whom to give all the love that she up to that moment she had placed in the child and she sees the natural dynamics of life distorted, because she is faced with a 'mourning without birth'". She feels a sense of emptiness, associated with a great sadness for everything that she had already imagined and that cannot be realized. The reactions can be different and even conflicting: some women are pervaded by states of anguish, apathy or mild depression; others, in an attempt to avoid thinking about what happened, may show a tendency to keep themselves extremely busy physically and mentally, with moments of hyperactivity in which one can hardly be able to stay still.
The sense of loneliness. Another common feeling is the sense of loneliness, as the woman feels that others will never be able to fully understand what she is feeling and therefore she will have to face such an overwhelming event alone, for her body and for her psyche.

How to overcome the trauma of miscarriage

Share the pain. The main advice is not to close in on oneself but to externalize the psychological discomfort that one is experiencing, "especially with the partner, to share this moment of pain with him, share the burden of suffering and the opportunity for recovery by recognizing these emotions also in the eyes of the other, so as not to feel alone and to face, immediately, the elaboration of mourning ”suggests the psychologist Piattino.
Surround yourself with warmth and affection. The contribution of those around the couple, such as grandparents or close friends, is also fundamental to feel that warmth and help even in the practical chores of the house, in the preparation of meals, in family activities and in the entertainment of other children. , if any.
Take the time to grieve.
Miscarriage, like any other sudden and unexpected bereavement, takes time to process; a time of mourning which is individual but which is generally overcome within six months. It is a physiological phase, so to speak, during which there can also be an alteration in the wake / sleep rhythm and appetite, but it is important to accept it and take all the time, without expecting to cancel the lived experience.
Make an appointment with a psychotherapist. If the mourning does not occur naturally but the malaise persists beyond about six months, it is advisable to contact a psychologist or psychotherapist, without being ashamed of what you feel.
(Read also: Repeated miscarriages)

How long should you wait before thinking about a new pregnancy?

For a woman facing a miscarriage, it is inadvisable to seek a new pregnancy immediately, both because the body must resume its regular functions and because it is necessary to overcome the trauma first. Only in this way will the new pregnancy be lived with due serenity. If you want to know more: Getting pregnant after a miscarriage

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