✓ If the child prefers the grandmother, what to do

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If the child prefers the grandmother

The mother who works all day and comes home tired in the evening, the child left to the grandmother most of the time, the vices and attentions granted by the grandmother, the nos, a little hard, that the mother lets slip more easily after a stressful day. The situation just described is a widespread situation that can create some imbalance in family relationships. What to do, then, if the child seems to prefer his grandmother? We talk about it with Cristina Riva Crugnola, Professor of Dynamic Psychology at the University of our city-Bicocca.

The different levels of attachment

"The fact that the child becomes attached to different people, developing different levels of attachment, is not in itself negative, on the contrary it is a healthy attitude - the professor reassures -. Depending on the situation in which he finds himself and on the basis of the different roles of the people with whom he relates, the child develops different ties (think for example also of the baby sitter or the kindergarten teacher). There is no need to worry, therefore, if the grandmother plays the role of an important care giver. Clearly, when the time spent with the grandmother is significantly higher than the time the child spends with the mother, one can create a imbalance in attachment, that the mother may experience frustration. If you cannot intervene by dedicating more time to your child, cutting it out where possible, what you can do, regardless of the child's age, is to establish clear rules with the grandmother. "

Read also: Sos: my daughter only wants her grandmother

If the child prefers the grandmother: how mothers can intervene

"On a practical level, the first tip is to do not delegate to grandparents even on weekends or when you are free, even if sometimes fatigue could take over.

Especially with very young children, the amount of time is important: he cannot be explained in words what is happening, the reasons that keep his mother away and the need to work, what counts above all is presence. On the other hand, children who are beginning to make themselves understood can be told that their mother, because of the work, he cannot always be there, reassuring them of his presence even in moments of distance, perhaps making himself heard a few more times over the phone ".

Agree on the educational model

"Beyond these practical actions, the most important thing is that the mother agrees with the grandmother the same style as parenting, in content and methods. The grandmother must not become the one who grants everything, while the mother denies vices by assuming the role of "bad" in the eyes of the child. A balance must be found and to establish rules shared:

how many hours of television,
how many video games,
how many sweets and when,
whether to buy and when a small gift on the walk,
how to satisfy the requests of the child.

If there is between mother and grandmother a good dialogue and a good relationship, clear and serene, it is much easier for the relationship between child, mother and grandmother to be balanced in turn ".

Read also: 10 golden rules to be a good grandparent

Maternal and paternal grandmother

"When it comes to clarifying some points, and even more to ask for some behavior to be changed, if there is no confidence, the dialogue can be a little more complex: one thing is to talk about it with your mother, with whom you are easier to feel free to say what you think, it is another thing to discuss with the mother of your partner: the relationship with the mother-in-law it is never so linear. In the latter case, however, clarity is even more important, and to facilitate dialogue it is useful that the father of the child also intervenes, sharing the principles and educational methods that the family has chosen to adopt. Grandmothers, for their part, must make themselves available to listen, understanding the needs of parents and adapting to their choices, perhaps putting aside some unshared habits: these are not offenses, but legitimate requests ".