She wants the third child, he doesn't

Who I am
Catherine Le Nevez
@catherinelenevez
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Source: Photo: Pixabay

Her letter to him

Dear Francis,





the last few years have been tiring. True, but also magnificent. The last few years with Alessandra and Tommaso. Before becoming a mother, I could not imagine how much I could have from my new life: self-confidence, strength, joy of life, optimism.

Her: a new baby would be a recognition for me



Before, I only saw an uncertain future: what will happen if the new boss sends me away? What if i don't get the promotion? What if the landlord sends me away? Today I am much more relaxed. Thanks to Alessandra and Tommaso. And for them: children, you know, need a strong mother, whom they can trust. If I see them happy and healthy, I am happy; and I would like to have more of this happiness.



I have neglected my work, I'm not complaining. I like the mornings I now spend in the office, I like concentrated work, contact with colleagues, the feeling of completing something successfully. Of course, also the money that I earn and that our family can use. I am also happy to be able to dedicate myself every afternoon to the children. I can follow their growth, for me it is a privilege. A third child, in this life, would do very well.

In me, at this moment, there is so much strength and so much love: there would certainly be more for several children ... Now turn pale! No need, don't worry, three is a good number.

Dear Francesco, your arguments are not wrong and deep down I know that they are not against me. But the fact that you are against a third child worries me a little. The desire for a new baby would be important for me as a renewed recognition towards me, towards our family and our life.

Ti amo

Claudia

His letter to her

Dear Claudia,

that's okay, we already have everything! Have you already forgotten how tired you were dragging along dead tired all day, when Alessandra didn't sleep a wink at night? Or how nervous you were, when our two little ones got sick all the time, cough, cold and fever all winter, and you barely left the house for weeks? Our relationship had also been affected, it had become a little cold, but maybe it's just me who has these memories.

Him: it is also an economic question

Now that our children are a little more independent and play alone, we have started talking again. For me this is important. And it's also important to be able to enjoy life a little more after years of hard work.

Another thing: our two little ones are healthy and growing well and I am delighted. I don't want to force fate too much. Who knows if pregnancy and childbirth will go well again? Would a third child be just as healthy?

And one more thing, perhaps typically masculine. In one way or another you always find it cruel to think about money when children are small, but in reality I also care about our economic future and that of our children. Double music school, double hour of riding, perhaps one day support lessons, university: these are costs that must be considered. Three children? My salary is not enough.

As far as your work is concerned, the children are still so young that you can only work part-time: but you assure me that you are happy to do it and that you would not want to otherwise. But Tommaso is four years old now. When he goes to school two years from now, you could go back to full-time work and we could look for (and pay for) full-time schooling for both of us.

Babies grow up so fast; before long you will have plenty of free space again to do more of your work. And since you are good, you can still take away a lot of satisfaction, I really mean it. What would happen with a third child instead?

And do you know what has been bothering me for so long? Since I was a child, my mother has always given me the feeling of abandoning her. When I wanted to play with other guys, when I wanted to be with my first girlfriend, when I went on vacation alone, she would say to me: "You go, and you leave me alone!" I left the house with a guilty conscience. Maybe that's why I like working mothers; they don't spend time waiting for their children.

I love you too

Your Francesco

What the psychologist says

Margarethe Schindler is a psychologist who has been working as a couple and family therapist for many years. Here is what she says about having an unshared child and what she recommends to our couple:

“A common child for a couple represents the bond, the whole. When a couple disagrees that they want a child, this could indicate different needs. The one who desires the child may have this thought: "If I cannot get more from you, I want at least to have (still) a child from you." But sometimes a child's desire brings with it a power struggle: who will win?

There are women for whom children are a kind of glue in the life of a couple. But that's not really how it works

Claudia and Francesco agree that their life together with their two children is beautiful. So far they have been happy and lucky. He is so satisfied and does not want to change anything. No change, no risk with a third child. Claudia, on the other hand, would like more and is sure that a third child would raise the quality of their life. Furthermore, there is also the awareness that at 38 she is no longer so young and that the decision to give birth to another child cannot be pushed too far.

A man cannot fully understand these reasons, there is still a lot of time for him to have children. Surely he doesn't think: if I want another child, I'll leave her and find another one to start with again. But he is not even at the end of the line, he knows that.

Claudia and Francesco cannot find a compromise: being pregnant just a little bit is not possible. However, they can ask themselves a few questions, to clarify the mutual reasons: what is Claudia really missing? What should she give up if a third child arrives? She is convinced that her life, with a third child, would become more beautiful and richer: but what would change if the third child did not arrive? What if everything remained as it is now? With her last sentence ("The choice of a new baby for me would be as important as a renewed recognition of me ...") she expresses a need for greater security.

There are women for whom children are a kind of glue in the life of a couple. But that's not really how it works. For the relationship, only the two partners are responsible. If Claudia is afraid of being abandoned, her man should ask himself (and ask her) what she needs to do to counter that fear. In order not to feel hurt by each other's points of view, both could do the following: She should believe her man when she says that she thinks about family and acts responsibly, trying to give everyone safety . For herself she should think that her future working with another child would most likely stop. Do you really want it? Instead, he should try to understand his woman's "last season feeling" and understand that the decision against having a baby with his wife again is probably final. And then he might trust her and understand that you can't plan everything. Three children do not involve such heavy expenses that a normal family cannot bear ".

(Article taken from Eltern.de)

Updated on 24.01.2022

TAG:
  • couple life
  • children
  • psyche family
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