The 5 phrases that humiliate children and worsen self-esteem (we also tell you the antidote)

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Perhaps you have never noticed it, but there are phrases that have the power to condition your child emotionally and to "mark" him, to attach labels that do not correspond to reality. And maybe these labels will carry them around as a burden for the rest of his life (maybe it happened to you too with your parents?).

We refer to phrases that may sound like these:

Are you dumb! If you do that I don't love you anymore! If you don't be good here comes the black man! Stop crying! Strong babies don't cry! You can't have everything in life!

Let's not exaggerate, we all survived these sentences, what will it be?

You may be thinking: “what will it be to say every now and then some phrases to my son that maybe aren't exactly positive like“ Are you stupid? ”,“ You are really a disaster !! ”. I have received insults, harsh tones and screams, and yet I am here, I survived and I am fine ".

It's true. We all continue to have a life, we eat, sleep, work, give birth to children, maybe we meet love, sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry. Only our question is:

What would our life have been like if our parents had used more effective and loving phrases rather than "poisonous", humiliating and judgmental phrases?

Perhaps there is a big difference between living and surviving and a big difference between "having a life" and making your life your dream, your garden of joy, the theater of your full fulfillment and satisfaction.

To choose the second option, you need to believe in yourself, to respect yourself and to recognize your worth. The relationship you have established with your parents and the habits you have imitated over time, their words and their way of doing things, have had adecisive influence in this process.

What makes a difference for your child?

From today you have the possibility to stop believing that your influence does not matter for its future: a different tone, one more communication loving they can make a difference.

For example, there is a difference if mom / dad tells me "I love you" but his eyes do not look at me, they are empty and absent, his hand does not hold mine tightly when it crosses it and his heart does not inflame when we play together…

Or if mom / dad tells me "I love you" and at the same time his bright and lively eyes seek my gaze, his hands clasp mine with complicity and caress my back and hair while she / he asks me smiling how am I, or when he assembles Legos or is interested in the puzzles of the last puzzle with the same passion as me?

In this article we propose some phrases that you can use so that you can be more and more confident and aware of your parental role and to make you live a relationship with your children that is not only fulfilling and joyful, but also enormously effective for their future, when, alone, they will be called to climb the heights of life and will be able to say:

"Thanks mom and dad, we are really proud to have had two parents like you!"

5 phrases that can repress your child

To make a difference with your child, you can begin not to utter phrases that make him feel judged and belittled. So first you need to know the "poison" phrases and, once known, they should be replaced with more effective "antidote" phrases.

If you are now wondering why we have chosen to investigate the effect that the sentences spoken have on your child's self-esteem, you must know that words have great power. On one side they reflect feelings, the mood, habits and way of thinking of the person who pronounces them ... on the other hand they have the enormous power to program the neurons of the person who receives them, fixing themselves day after day until they are absorbed and used automatically.

NOTE: while reading the sentences it is useful to ask yourself: how would I feel in the child's place? How did I feel when they said it to me in an angry and harsh tone? How would I feel now?


"Don't you see how your sister is ordered?" "Don't you see how brave your brother is ?!" "Why don't you eat as much as he does?" "If only I studied a little more ... look how she does it!"

POSSIBLE EFFECT ON YOUR CHILD She / He is better than me. Mom and Dad appreciate and love her / him more. I just can't seem to live up to her. I feel inferior and humiliated. I better step aside.

Maybe if I start to do even worse sooner or later they will have to stop looking at her / him and they will take care of me and see my qualities. I am inferior, I am not doing well.

ANTIDOTE Avoid any kind of comparison as much as possible. Limit yourself to observing their talents, to support them in difficulties, to cultivate the example and above all their uniqueness by reminding yourself that the comparison does not spur and strengthen, but humiliates, slows down and discourages.

Resize your judgments: if your child is not inclined for a certain subject it does not mean that he is not inclined to be happy and fulfilled in life !!!

Did you excel in everything you did? Not even Superman excels in everything ... every self-respecting superhero has his weaknesses and his being a hero lies in accepting them and amalgamating them with his own virtues.


"You don't deserve anything"

POSSIBLE EFFECT ON YOUR CHILD I am a person who deserves nothing (money, goal achievement, health, fulfilling couple life, effective relationships, etc.).

I'm the one who deserves nothing. It is I who am worth nothing. Ok, I execute… This attitude generates discouragement, pessimism and that pernicious feeling of having lost at the start.

ANTIDOTE First of all, think about the motivation that leads you to say this phrase towards yourself or your children. Among the antidotes, the ones we like the most are the following phrases: "You are wonderful!" “Here is my princess! What can I do for you today? "

"Mom, I want to go to the park!", "Yes love, would you like it? And what do you like to do in the park? ... If you want to go there, well, as soon as possible I'll take you very happy. What do you like about the park? Maybe we can also do it at home somehow while we wait for a day without rain ”.

This generates a sense of understanding and abundance, while we often hear adults say instead when faced with requests like this: “But do you deserve it? / But are you sure you deserve it ?! "


"You are really a pest!"

POSSIBLE EFFECT ON YOUR CHILD But… it made my sister angry! And who thinks of me? I never do anything right! You do not love me! But don't you realize that I'm angry and that I need you? Who can I trust then? At least when I do the plague you look at me and cons ...

ANTIDOTE "Sure darling I understand you! What made you so angry that you spite her? "

“I know you would like to run again and use your sword against all of Grandma's knick-knacks… they're so close at hand! They all look like pins! Now let's go there and take all the things that can really be enemies to hit ... Let's go! "

(It is also our task to find and create the right situations so that children can free their creativity and imagination while protecting the environment. In this way they learn from you to respect themselves while also respecting the outside world)


"But what do you think you are doing !?" "But where do you think you're going ?!"

POSSIBLE EFFECT ON YOUR CHILD Oops! What a humiliation… I feel my wings clipped, I feel stuck. Who should do it does not believe in me and in my potential. They don't trust me ... Maybe I don't deserve it. Okay, I can't do what feels right. I am wrong.

ANTIDOTE "Just do it! Try again!" "Have faith!" "Try again! If you really want to succeed, try again until you reach your goal "" I have faith in you and I know that if you really want to, you will certainly succeed! "

"It is normal to make mistakes at the beginning, you can always recover, you also learn by trial and error"

"Mistakes are essential to realize what went wrong and to be able to remedy or find other strategies" (these phrases, if you don't already do it, you can start saying them to yourself too)


"He is shy, he does not socialize ... he will end up isolating himself"

POSSIBLE EFFECT ON YOUR CHILD Ah ok I'm like that. So I am a shy person. I'm not normal, I have problems. I will always have difficulty socializing, being with others. Ok (... run).

ANTIDOTE You may ask yourself: is he really shy or is it typical of his age not to need to socialize? Is loving reflection and introspection really shyness?

Or: why is he shy? Is there any of your parents who are shy? Have we often corrected or judged him so much that he is now reluctant to show himself?

A thriving future, made of esteem and trust We are writing these reflections to you because for today's children and tomorrow's mature men we wish for something different, something more. If we look at the world outside we realize that today there are many who have been involuntarily conditioned. Many of us have allowed these limiting conditioning to dominate.

But, as always, nothing is lost. Your "destiny" and that of your child are by no means taken for granted. From today you can do some more reflections and choose the "antidotes" that day after day will shape even the hardest stone until the most ruinous limitations melt within you. If you are freer, even for your child the doors will open from which, looking out, he will be able to look to a flourishing future, made of esteem, trust and finally free from all the negative conditioning of the past. Free to truly realize himself thanks to the new terrain that you will have prepared for him.

Who is the author of the article Roberta Cavallo is the Parental Consultant in the TV program "4 Mamme", broadcast on FoxLife (Sky).
With her 5 best-selling books she is the most read and followed author in Del Paese by her parents in recent years, conquering over 100.000 Del Paesene families and various sales rankings, such as those of Amazon and Ibs, and selling out on her tours. around the country.
It helps parents to observe and decipher the behavior, the "clues" of their children to solve the misunderstandings and the difficulties of education in all age groups.



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Updated on 19.02.2022

  • psyche
  • 3-5 children years
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