Is your child crying? Here are 5 steps to help him. Let's start with these reflections. Why don't babies have to cry? Why do adults go out of their way to make them stop? Yet we all know how liberating crying is, how much better it feels after shedding healthy and good tears! But no, children must not cry, they must keep everything inside, they must always be happy. Let's be clear. Read also: needs or whims? How to react to a baby's crying By convention, by culture, by belief, we are convinced that crying is a sign of pain. It is not so. The source of pain is what caused the crying, not the crying itself. If a baby cries or an adult cries, the following happens (try to put yourself in the situation):
Something hurt you and caused you pain.
You feel pain inside, you feel bad.
It makes you want to cry, you are seized by a fate of magone (if you are lucky).
You start crying and you free yourself (if you allow it ... children always allow it).
Thanks to crying, you get rid of an emotion that would otherwise stagnate and continue to make you feel uncomfortable (for your child it is the same thing).
Crying is always liberating (unless it is the cry of a victim who does it only to be pitied). This is not the case with children: they never make victims. When it comes to adults we generally try to be empathetic, understanding, to console them, we ask them if we can be useful in something, we try to give courage, we say that we are sorry. When it comes to children, in some cases we act as just said. But not always. Most of the time a baby's cry freezes us, we go haywire and one of the first things that automatically goes off is the "hshhhh, don't cry!", "No, no, no my little one don't cry !," Now you are great, what do you do? Are you crying like a little baby ?! "," Enough, wipe your tears and go play "," Come on, come on, what do you want it to be! ".
Often we don't know how to help him and if he stops crying quickly we avoid contacting our sense of inadequacy.
If our child is sick, we tend to accuse ourselves, feel guilty and have to face our responsibility (which is not a problem in itself, if we welcome these feelings and then do everything possible to remedy the cause that caused this state of mind in the child. Too bad that we often get entangled in guilt and fear and not we can take the next step: fix it).
Crying seems to disturb, that it dirties, the ideal and idealized picture that adults sometimes make of their relationship with children and children themselves: better run for cover trying to stifle the whining.
Furthermore, our son's crying sometimes reminds us of our childhood crying and consequently the emotional wounds that often caused it by our beloved parents: better hide everything in the sand doing everything possible to make him stop crying.
Instead, I want to make it clear that your child is crying to release an emotion. Crying is not a bad or unseemly thing. Crying is a natural process that is activated to free us from an emotional burden, to help us manage an emotion, whatever it is. Adults usually cry less than children because luckily as they grow up they have naturally matured the ability to manage emotions (it comes with age, in the right time and if in the previous stages there were no deficiencies, it is not a matter of learning to or train or train a). So, here are five ways to contribute to the natural process that is activated in your child.
Avoid disregarding her cry and avoid walking away. Calmly, without identifying yourself (hands in your hair screaming "my god what happens to my baby!", Start crying with him, tell him with a terrified air that you don't know what to do, etc.), approach him, lower yourself to his height, look at him in the eyes e be empathetic.
You can tell him, "Honey what happened? What made you feel so bad?" (if it is a newborn you should know it based on the situation, if your child is already older he can communicate it to you with gestures or words - even if your instinct continues to work at the same time). Or, if you know the cause perfectly (you have argued, he fell, he got hurt, he broke a toy, he doesn't want to do what you want, etc.), then you can tell him: "I know love that you are so sick ... , you're sorry it's broken, etc. ". It is essential that he has no way of feeling inadequate, blamed or deprived of help and protection.
Add a good dose of pampering and smiles. You can pick him up or just take him by the hand, pamper him by stroking his back with your hand, continuing to meet his gaze with your eyes. The cuddles make him feel understood, welcomed and supported and give him the certainty that you are not angry. The smiles make him understand that you have the situation in hand, that you are not terrified, disappointed or afraid too and that you are therefore able to solve the matter.
Even if it seems to you that his crying is "exaggerated" or "out of place" (you think it was just a toy, you were right to scold him, his brother just gave him a shove, in the end he just peeled a little the knee, etc.), if your child starts to cry it means that it was significant for him and you must take it into account. What we dispassionately suggest you do (verified countless times in practice with great success for us and for the children) is to begin by telling the child that he is right to cry, that we understand, that he is free to cry and release everything in his heart and that you are there to help him, giving the event the same importance he is giving. In this way your child feels supported, reassured and at the same time allows himself to free the emotion by being behind that natural process that has already started within him. At the same time your child is learning from you how to manage a difficult moment and when he is older he will do it alone without the need for your intervention, thanks to the example you are giving him.
Unless it is a newborn and therefore you can independently identify the reason for your discomfort, ask your child the reason for his tears.
Without using an accusatory or inquiring tone, you can ask him how he feels and what happened so that he knows how to act to help him and so as to get him used to expressing the source of his problems and also what he feels (unfortunately many adults today and therefore also children sometimes have great difficulty expressing their feelings and identifying the source of their problems).
If your child is not yet used to expressing his emotions, you can help him by suggesting his state of mind on the basis of what you are observing by saying to him for example: "Damn, you are really angry!", "Oh my fear this fall!" (but you as an adult do not be afraid ...), "How do you feel love? Maybe you are disappointed? etc ...".
Who is the author of the article
Roberta Cavallo is the Parental Consultant in the TV program "4 Mamme", broadcast on FoxLife (Sky).
With her 5 best-selling books she is the most read and followed author in Del Paese by her parents in recent years, conquering over 100.000 Del Paesene families and various sales rankings, such as those of Amazon and Ibs, and selling out on her tours. around the country.
It helps parents to observe and decipher the behavior, the "clues" of their children to solve the misunderstandings and the difficulties of education in all age groups.
The baby cries to release an emotion. Crying is not a bad or unseemly thing. Crying is a natural process that is activated to free us from an emotional burden, to help us manage an emotion, whatever it is.
Avoid not giving importance to his cry and avoid walking away. Calmly, without losing control (hands in hair screaming "my god what happens to my baby!", Start crying with him, etc.), come closer, lower yourself to his height, look him in the eye and be empathetic.
Absolutely yes. Give him a good dose of pampering and smiles. Take him in your arms or even just by the hand, cuddle him by stroking his back with your hand, continuing to meet his gaze with your eyes. Pampering makes him feel understood, welcomed and supported.