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There are 8 keys that have the power to improve your relationship with your child right away. Some of these 8 principles will help you to understand the reasons that lead him to behave in a certain way, others improve the complicity in your relationship, still others are useful for "getting into" his head and to know what it needs at each stage of growth. By applying them you will be able to avoid the most common difficulties today widespread (and considered inevitable) which have unfortunately contributed to labeling the role of the parent as “the most difficult job”.
1. CHILDREN NEITHER BICK OR PUNISH THEMSELVES Individuals for whom pampering and love abound in childhood are more peaceful adults, better disposed, understanding, happier and less inclined to use masks and manipulative and defensive attitudes. Sometimes we tend to replace the slap, for example, with punishment. Nothing changes. Instead of a slap, thinking of being able to deprive the child of a pleasure, reduce it, delay him, thinking he is right and thinking that "so he learns" is a serious mistake on the part of the parent. Children want to love us and be loved and would do anything for us. If they sometimes do things that are unacceptable to us, rude, out of place, or that we don't understand, it is certainly not their responsibility. It is enough to show them how to do it, or even better to understand the motivation for which they did it and welcome them, always lowering ourselves to the level of their eyes.
Read also: slapping children is useless The EXTERNAL behavior of the child is always the consequence of an INNER emotional situation and will continue to do so regardless of punishment or slapping, simply adding frustration. The punishment or the slap do not dissolve the inner cause, nor limit the intentions of the child, on the contrary, they may force him to do it secretly or to feel guilty. Imagine: you have been in the new department for a month and you want to do everything to keep your job and the salary increase you just got. Without doing it on purpose, you miss a document, you lose a client for a bad phone call, or you spill a load of material and your manager gives you a loud yell, threatens to make you lose your job, yells at you that this is not how to do it in front of you. everyone, it tells you that for a week you will not go on a lunch break and you will be doing unpaid overtime. Don't you feel a little humiliated, not understood? In short, you didn't do it on purpose, everyone can make a mistake! Why should it be any different for your child? These are the troubles of double standards, when what is valid for me does not apply to others ...
Our children look at us, let's never forget that. And they imitate us. "All our actions as parents are perceived by our children as normal. But we do not only educate ...
I suggest that you observe yourself and act as you would like to see your child act as an adult. Would you like to see him snort, scream, get angry, scold, eat crap, smoke, become a follower of idiotic programs, be sad, dissatisfied, alongside a partner who does not love, poor in money and in spirit? If the answer is no, he starts with you.
3. THE CHILD, AFTER THE FIRST SIX-SEVEN YEARS, STARTS TO BUILD HIS OWN IDEA OF REALITY. a different element from me (the child) inserted in the environment, who must "deserve" my trust and who may or may not become my leader, the teacher I trust in the great game of life: let's make ourselves deserving of this role. If he values us (because during his early years we did what he naturally expected of us), he will continue to imitate us, even starting to listen to us, to consider that "if mom and dad say that that's good or bad, it will be true. and I trust them ": your role becomes solid and there are no external influences that can stand up to the game (I often say this when parents sometimes tell me:" he learns it at school "," he sees others who they do ”,“ sees others who eat it ”,“ sees others who have it ”, etc.). Children are born eager to grow up, driven by natural evolution, not by knowledge, not because they have read it, not because someone has taught them. Children grow up with the inner desire to express oneself and improve oneself, in the sense of evolving: let's not suffocate them, let's not limit them, let's learn from them.
4. WE GIVE PURE LOVE, WITHOUT REPLACING IT WITH FOOD AND MATERIAL OBJECTS It happens with food and also with toys. We witness grueling power struggles to buy / not buy the toy, of whatever nature it may be, and finally see the child with the toy in his hand and the mother with dark circles and straight hair. All the child wants is LOVE. If he feels he is not getting enough, he begins to want to compensate for it with food and material objects. GIVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, abundant and unhurried, in presence and listening. Only in this way will our puppies be truly SATISFIED.
5. WE CHOOSE FOR CHILDREN USEFUL GAMES FOR THEIR GROWTH At all ages it is good to direct purchases towards toys made of natural materials, as little elaborate as possible, in order to stimulate creativity and imagination. The game serves to stimulate curiosity and inventiveness, not to fill gaps and keep company. For example, all the solutions that derive from Steiner's conception of playful activity and physical activity are ideal.
6. YOUR CHILD HAS THE PHYSIOLOGICAL NEED TO BE TAKEN IN ARMS It is a question of culture, it is a question of love, it is a question of wanting to be ideal parents and to do everything right. It is also a question of survival: your child when he wants it, when he feels threatened by danger, when he is afraid of something, when he needs it, he wants your hug, your contact. Why deny it? It is also a matter of instinct: why not pick up and hold your child with you whenever you want, whenever something tells you, whenever the very idea of leaving him alone makes you anxious or saddened? Why deny it? Constant and continuous contact with your child will avoid difficulties that are frequent, such as the continuous crying during the day after the baby has been changed, ate, slept (and inexplicable for many mothers). Furthermore, all children who have had their fill of cuddles in the first years are happier and will not have the "syndrome" of continuous need for attention after the first seven years. Read also: 10 rules for raising happy children
7. GIVE YOUR CHILD THE OPPORTUNITY TO SLEEP WITH YOU AT NIGHT Nature has provided for him. We do not know of any mammalian species that makes their distant pups sleep in the stage in which they are not yet autonomous. In addition, for us humans, there is not only a question of physical autonomy, but also and above all a vital question of affective autonomy. If you indulge your child in this physiological need, he will spontaneously ask you to sleep in his room after a few years. With a good maturity as individuals, a good family and couple feeling, there are no obstacles to the sleep of mom and dad, and to their need to be together alone (if there is love and complicity there is always a space!). In unconditioned populations like us in the West it is normal for children to sleep with mum and dad. By following this physiological need of the baby you will avoid all night crying, you will avoid getting up every three hours to breastfeed him or swing him in the middle of the night because he does not sleep, he will be peaceful, he will sleep feeling your contact and your warmth. I know that many "experts" (who alas have decided to their own mind what to impose on children without observing their inner and physiological needs for each age group and without caring too much about the wounds that external impositions cause) advise putting the child in the bed in another room and making him cry, until he becomes cyanotic and resigns himself to the fact that his needs seem not to be vital and important, while the mother suffers like a damned (perhaps with tears in her eyes) in seeing and hearing the own puppy scream as if they were slicing him. But why not satisfy the physiological need of your child who wants to feel your warmth and be with you? Why after 9 months of pregnancy when you were one after birth do we expect to leave him alone in another room? And then, read carefully, if the technique so vaunted by many operators of kissing and distancing, that is to kiss your child and then let him in the bedroom until he stops crying, were so effective and right, then why does the child cry? Isn't crying a call for help and an alarm bell that your child is not well? When you cry, don't you feel great pain? Do you have strong inner needs? When you were little did you cry to spite mom and dad or did you feel misunderstood inside? Think carefully about these questions before evaluating or blindly embracing techniques passed off as the optimal solution. The real yardstick is BABY HAPPINESS, and a crying baby is never happy! This is the vision that follows the emotional needs: to observe the child because he is the instruction booklet for his happy and peaceful growth and for that of his parents.
8. LOOK AND LISTEN Nothing is as important as observing to understand motivations and listening to allow your child to express himself in what he hears. The distance, which creates misunderstandings, difficulties in recognizing and accepting each other, derives precisely from a failure to listen to the reasons that push the child to a certain behavior and to the failure to listen and accept his inner discomforts. Looking at your child allows you to feel loved, welcomed. So:
look him in the eye when you turn to him.
Lower yourself to his height whenever possible when you want to communicate something to him.
Ask him often how he feels: he will feel heard and learn to observe his feelings and emotions in turn.
When he comes home from school or kindergarten, for example, avoid asking him "How did it go?" (he projects himself into doing and performing) and ask him rather “How do you feel? How were you at school this morning? " (he feels put in the first place and feels that for mum and dad he is first of all important as an individual and not for what he does).
Roberta Cavallo is the Parental Consultant in the TV program "4 Mamme", broadcast on FoxLife (Sky). With her 5 best-selling books she is the most read and followed author in Del Paese by her parents in recent years, conquering over 100.000 Del Paesene families and various sales rankings, such as those of Amazon and Ibs, and selling out on her tours. around the country.
It helps parents to observe and decipher the behavior, the "clues" of their children to solve the misunderstandings and the difficulties of education in all age groups.