From an early age, children must learn that they cannot always dominate everything and everyone, that the world does not revolve around them and that defeat is part of life: only in this way will they become able to endure the various setbacks that will inevitably and will not happen. they will be offended by a trifle. This is the opinion of the psychologist and psychotherapist Scalari.
Often, however, behind a touchy child there is the influence of the environment in which he lives. “All children are born with the conviction that the world is at their feet and that they can dominate everything and everyone; little by little, then, seeing that the mother does not come to the first cry or that the little brother does not immediately give him the game he demands, they learn that there are not only them and they also have to adapt to the needs of others ”observes Scalari. "If, on the other hand, those around them continue to comply with their every desire or always agree with them, the illusion of being omnipotent goes on and, when the moment comes when reality sets them limits, they are not prepared to tolerate pain they try ".
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Faced with a no or a failure, the child can then react in two ways: the classic is that he puts his face, as if to say to his 'offender': you do not want me, I withdraw; you don't satisfy me, I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. Or, in the inability to manage things the way he wants, he can get angry and aggressive with the 'guilty' or, sometimes, even with himself, 'offended' with the world that does not turn as he had thought.
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1. Let your anger subside. Let's give him time to vent his resentment on his own, perhaps even in another room, without insisting on proving that we are right or starting disputes that only increase anger and hatred. Generally, after the first moment, the child resumes the relationship on his own initiative, even if in a transversal way: without returning to the topic that caused the offense, he tries to reconnect the relationship with various pretexts, such as the classic 'mom I hungry ', give me a snack…'.
2. Give words to his emotions. Through words, let's show him that we understand that he feels angry, disappointed, unfairly treated, rejected and all the adjectives that seem to best express what he is feeling, even if the substance does not change: if the toy belongs to his brother, it is right that he plays with it, if the chocolate egg cannot be bought, it cannot be bought. “However, it is important that the child feels his feelings recognized, because in this way he understands that the refusal is for his request, not for him as a person. And this makes his little wound more tolerable ”comments Scalari.
3. Be consistent. If until yesterday we treated him like a rascal and all of a sudden we completely change our attitude, it is inevitable that he will get angry. It is useless to lecture him that he is now grown up and he must learn to put the toys in place if we have always arranged them for him. Better to set it on the fact that we understand that this attitude of ours can make him angry but the mother has decided that from now on we do this. Once again, our decision will be followed by words that show our understanding for her possible resentment, for example: 'I know you are angry with Mom because… I know you think I don't love you because…'.
4. Simulate the situation and seek solutions. With the little ones you can also make a simulation of the situation that caused the offense, letting us tell how things went from his point of view and inviting him to come up with possible solutions on his own ('let's pretend that Maria has stolen your toy: what can you tell her, what can you do ... '): in this way the child has the opportunity to train behind the scenes to find the right solutions to' face the stage '.Read also: How to manage children's anger: 9 foolproof tips
If he has the habit of sulking with his teammates at any setback, we resist the temptation to go and be arbitrators or, worse, defense lawyers, and let him fend for himself: "If the adults don't interfere, the child gradually learns the rules of community life ”says the psychologist. “By doing it alone, moreover, he gains self-confidence, because he feels capable of facing and overcoming difficulties.
On the contrary, if he sees himself supported by us, his touchy or aggressive attitude could be accentuated because he feels strong of our support (from the series: 'then I do well to behave like this'). In addition, he will never learn to manage the difficulties and injustices that happen today with friends, tomorrow they will happen with the professors and then with colleagues, the office manager and so on. And at that point he will certainly not be able to run to his mother and ask her how to get out! "Read also: Child excluded from companions: 8 tips for parents
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The temptation would be to console him by telling him that it was the fault of the referee, the coach, the other team-mate who played badly ... "Even if it were true, let's refrain from saying it" advises Scalari: "let's point out instead that it can happen lose, that next time they will play better, that he will try harder first. But if he too loses again, it's not the end of the world and mom and dad love him just the same. Once again, the goal must be to help our son tolerate setbacks and disappointments ”.
- touchy child
- children education
- weak children
- 3-5 children years