The relationship between mother and child in the first years of life

The relationship between mother and child in the first years of life
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The relationship between mother and child in the first years of life

Feeding him, cuddling him, changing his diaper, comforting his crying, putting on delicious onesie, letting him listen to classical music, getting him used to water: every mother would like to check every point on this list and possibly add other points. But what is really crucial for the mother child relationship in the first years of life? What are the aspects on which it is really worth concentrating, once the physical care essential for a good and healthy growth of the little one is guaranteed? We asked Chiara Sacchi, psychologist and Babylab research fellow of the University of Padua, a laboratory for scientific research engaged in the study of the development of children from the first months of life.





In this article

The importance of the mother in the first years of life

How is the mother essential for her newborn, in addition to basic care?



"We are used to thinking that the neonate mainly needs immediate answers to his physical needs: however, we must think that all children need to be in a warm and loving relationship as much as to be fed, clean, sleep, covered and so on.

In the very first few years of life, what is extremely important to a child's healthy development is the relationship that is established and built with the adult who takes care of him. In most cases it is the mother, but it could be the father: in some cases there may be more than one reference figure.

This because relationships represent the "environment" in which the little one grows. Environment in which from the very first moments after birth the newborn begins to have the first experiences and begins to show and train his skills (still a little rudimentary) to enter into a relationship with the world: let's think of crying in this perspective, to the recognition of the maternal voice, to the orientation of the gaze towards the face, to the smile.

All these skills that the newborn has become gradually more sophisticated in the exercise, thanks to the experience that the child has in the relationship with the parent who supports him. Thanks to our studies, we know that these experiences support the growth of his brain and therefore its development.

In the relationship with the mother, the child experiences the world around him on a daily basis: he trains himself to perceive, to move, to communicate his needs, his interests and slowly begins to "think" about the portion of the world in which he is finds".


Socio-emotional skills

"During the first years of life in the relationship with the mother, the child builds his socio-emotional skills, that is, those skills they need to manage their emotions and the relationships that the little one can use in the progressively more elaborate situations he encounters in development. We think of occasions such as separation from the parent for inclusion in the nursery, being with companions in kindergarten, resolving a conflict with siblings, moments in which he feels fear. In the relationship with the parent, the child progressively experiences different emotions, even negative emotions, and builds his own strategies to manage them. We could therefore say that during the first year of life the child is in a "gym of experiences" with the parent that allow him to discover the world around him and gradually learn about himself and his abilities in exploring it ".


Read also: Montessori activities for babies: from zero to 3 months

The mother-child relationship in the first months of life: advice

How can the mother-baby relationship develop best in the first months of life? Would you give us some advice for new mothers?

"The relationship between mother and child is built starting from the experience of daily exchange. Like the needs of food, of sonno, cleaning, the child wants to share his discoveries, his emotion in front of his successes. He wants to be helped when he feels in trouble, he needs to feel protected when he tries to go it alone, he wants to feel safe if he gets scared.

The parent can show himself present and available in front of the child's desires and relationship needs, trying to understand what emotions the little one is expressing at that moment and to tune in to his state, such as fatigue, anger, excitement. For example, he can calm and reassure him when he is nervous, he can smile and compliment him when he shows him something, like a tower he has built himself: the child who tries to build a building and looking up meets the face of an enthusiastic adult, he feels a value of himself in the parent's gaze.

When the child wants to try to do something on his own, the ideal is to stay on the sidelines and encourage him. And when difficult times and protests come, it can help to talk to him in a calm and reassuring tone, while remaining firm to the rules.

These answers that the mother can give help the baby not only to continue confident in the experience of knowing the world, but also to feel included in the emotions he feels at different times. For example, the parent containing the child's fear of falling asleep or consoling the child for the frustration of having to stop play helps the child understand what emotions he is feeling and that these emotions can be managed. Likewise, daily play with the parent and dialogue foster exploration, reasoning and thought in him, as well as the caresses, affectionate exchanges and warm tones with which the parent talks to the child help him feel safe and secure. protected ".

Read also: "Go to sleep all night": how to teach your baby to sleep well

What to observe in the mother-child relationship

What do we need to keep in mind in the mother-child relationship to be able to lead it better?

"The child has many channels to communicate, before starting to use verbal language. For example, young children report how they are feeling through smiling, crying, seeking physical contact (such as being picked up) or reducing their movements when they are relaxed, for example because they are being pampered.

It can be important for the parent to think of their child as one individual with his abilities and his own experience of the world: he can thus become acquainted with his child by observing him in different daily activities, at different times of the day.

For example, it may be useful to think that very young children have much shorter attention spans than adults and can signal their desire to interact with their eyes and signal to us, looking away, that they may need a break. In this sense, observing the behaviors of the little ones can help adapt the times of the grown-ups and the stimuli we offer our children to their experience of the world they are building.

No less important are the emotions of the parent: the living environment of mum and baby, especially in the very first months, must favor mothers to be able to feel relaxed and calm in being affectionate and available to the baby's signals.

Of course, there is no advice that is valid for everyone and on every occasion: it is rather about taking the time to observe the child and get to know him.

There is an African saying that goes "It takes a village to raise a child": I believe this pill of wisdom can help us understand that for a child to grow up healthy, it is also necessary to take care of his relationship with the parent, so that he can build himself in a context of well-being for the mother too, and that contexts are favored for parents that facilitate not only physical care but also the relationship ".

Read also: The first 1000 days of life are important: everything parents need to know

Mother-Child Relationship Disorder: What Should We Watch Out For?

What could be the obstacles in the mother - baby relationship? What should we be careful of?

"As we said above, a village is needed. The parent-child relationship is part of a complex context in which many factors that perhaps until then have supported the well-being of the person can now hinder their serenity.

Each family is different, faces different difficulties and also has its own resources to respond to them differently. We know from research that, in general, they can make this beginning more fragile and these elements can, at times, make it more difficult to build a relationship:

  • developmental difficulties of the child
  • high conflict in the family
  • forms of malaise in the parent such as extreme loneliness and a sense of isolation
  • a difficult incipit that can result from a strenuous pregnancy or a difficult birth

In this context, research on the first years of life also serves this purpose. Understanding what can disturb the mother-child relationship, as well as trying to understand more and more what facilitates the well-being of this dyad are among the objectives of the research carried out within the Babylab of the University of Padua, in which we often try to study and get to know what infants and young children are precociously competent in to help mothers recognize it too. We also deal with understand what children need at significant stages of their development, to help their parents or caregivers provide a harmonious response to the child's need.

The research does a bit of this: it questions itself, observes and takes notes to try to give indications that can be good for everyone but above all be of help for the most fragile ".

The mother-child relationship: Winnicott's suggestions

"Winnicott is certainly an important author of psychology who has dealt with children and their mothers. In his writings, he tells us about many concepts that we still find today in working with parents and children. One of the simplest to keep in mind is this. : to grow, the child needs to be in a good enough environment.

It is not the total absence of difficulties that can be encountered in the first years of life nor the perfection of the parent that defines the development of the child, rather it is a sufficiently good quality of the experiences that the child has day after day.

Winnicott also said that mothers are naturally able to take care of their babies, have this predisposition that is activated immediately after birth in the encounter with the child. Today, for example, we know from research that the brain changes during pregnancy to promote greater emotional attunement with the newborn and to equip the parent with tools to take care of it.

We can say that mothers are also born and grow up together with their children and thanks to their children ".

The interviewee

Chiara Sacchi she is a psychologist and research fellow at the Babylab of the University of Padua. The Babylab is a laboratory for scientific research engaged in the study of the development of children from the first months of life.

 

TAG:
  • relationship mom and son
  • newborn 0-3 months
  • care and health of the newborn
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